Sean Masterson, Republicrat Candidate
Former weatherman from Frensno, Calif. Imagine Sean's surprise when he got a phone call from a famous billionaire regarding the U.S. presidency. "Sean Masterson, how would you like to be president of the United States," a genial voice asked him via speakerphone. Sean couldn't believe what he was hearing. At first, he thought it was some clever Direct TV phone solicitation to get him to switch over from cable. But the call was for real and he was intrigued. The following day, he was blindfolded and flown to a small island off the coast of Seattle. After enduring a battery of psychological tests, a microchip implant in his skull and some not-quite-right tofu lasagna, he was finally brought before the man who had summoned him. Now, Sean Masterson is the Republicrat Party candidate for president of the United States. Sean serves all the people, not a small cadre of extremists with their own agendas and narrow interests. The Republicrat Party is now your party. The party for the people, by the people. God bless America.

Gary Anthony Williams, Campaign Manager
A former regional manager for the fast-food chain McGurkles, Gary knows how to command and deal with a crew of underpaid, overworked and underappreciated workers. "I always congratulate my workers earning the minimum wage. I tell them, you're on the lowest rung of the economic ladder, but nothing is stopping you from climbing up, up, up to the next lowest rung on the ladder." Gary met Republicrat Sean Masterson when Sean responded to Gary's ad on Craigslist for his Uncle Lloyd's heart. Following a brief negotiation over price, a deal was struck and a friendship was born. "My Uncle Lloyd always dreamed of being president; getting Sean elected is the culmination of that dream," explains Gary. "Don't think of Sean Masterson as a white man with a black man's heart, rather, think of him as a black man's heart with a white man gently wrapped around him."

Lisa Zak, Press Secretary
A former regional beauty queen who was crowned 15 times in the state of Texas, Lisa knows what it's like to carry the burden of other people's dreams and expectations."As a beauty queen, I was a role model to inspire ugly people to get their act together," she said. Lisa's familiarity with managing public expectations makes her a natural when it comes to handling the press. But Lisa's life has not been without controversy. You may remember her being crowned Miss Teen Texas in 2002, only to have her crown forcibly taken away three months later when it was discovered she was actually 25 years old. "Giving up that crown was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'd won it fair and square. So what if I was 25 at the time?," Lisa bitterly remembers. "At first, I refused to give it up. I barricaded myself inside my apartment, holding a neighbor's cat hostage. It took the Dallas SWAT team three days to talk me down and tear that beautiful crown from my hands. A week later, I read they gave the crown to some fat, pimple-faced girl from Houston." Time has healed those wounds and Lisa has moved on. "I used to wish that pimple-faced girl with my crown would get run over by a giant 18-wheeler. But now I only wish she'd get struck by lightning. Again and again and again."

Harrison Du Brie, Hair Stylist
Harrison Du Brie is no stranger to politics, having charged John Edwards more than $400 for a haircut. "Please. John Edward's hair was a disaster zone. I practically had to don a hazmat suit just to deal with it," chuckles Harrison in reflection. Harrison has a degree from CHNTC, the Compton Hair and Nail Technical College. "That school radicalized me; it made me question the use of texture creams," confides Harrison. Harrison then went on to spend 10 years as the makeup director for the popular Broadway show "Cats." "Every night I watched that show and would laugh, cry and become strangely aroused -- always the three hallmarks of a hit Broadway show," explains Harrison. "When the show finally closed, I kept after Andrew Lloyd Webber to write a sequel called 'Dogs.' No brainier, right?" asks Harrison rhetorically. "Well, after dozens of unreturned phone calls and numerous attempts to scale the wall of his English estate, Andrew Lloyd Webber finally got me deported. Later? When 'Sunset Boulevard' hit? He wouldn't even consider hiring me." Harrison shakes his head, lost in the memory of what might have been. "Working for Sean Masterson has been a dream," offers Harrison, his mood now swinging to the other extreme. "And when he's elected president, I plan on having Andrew Lloyd Webber deported. Payback is a bitch ... named Harrison."

Donna White, Fundraiser
Donna White starts each and every day reading the MSN financial section. "I love money. To me it's like an old friend I can't get enough of." Donna has a degree in comparative economics from DeVry University. As a child, Donna used to collect currency. "When my parents were sleeping, I'd rifle through their wallets and grab whatever cash I could," remembers Donna with a laugh and admits, "I still do that whenever someone leaves a purse unattended in a public place." Donna joined the Republicrat campaign after suffering a nervous breakdown. "Quite simply, my nerves broke down," explains Donna. "I suffered through an identity theft and later had to take myself to court." Now with her credit history back in order and with full medical coverage under the Republicrat PPO, Donna is ready to take on the world. "I'm just learning to trust people again. Press Secretary Lisa Zak is my new best friend!"