Economy
"I will double the value of the dollar overnight," says Sean Masterson. How? "By discontinuing the $1 bill and issuing new $2 bills we'll call the new dollar. Exchange your old, weak $1 bills for the new, superstrong $2 bill today! Two is the new one!"

Iraq
Bring our troops home, but maintain our influence in the region. How? By turning Iraq into an unincorporated territory of the United States with commonwealth status, just like Puerto Rico. We grant tax incentives to our corporate partners to help swiftly establish a vast fast-food presence in Iraq. Soon every Iraq citizen will be a part-time employee of Starbucks, McDonalds, Burger King, Pizza Hut, Del Taco or 7-Eleven. We've helped deliver democracy. Isn't it time the Iraqi people got a chance to taste it?!

Immigration Reform
We've always welcomed the best and the brightest. Once the 700-mile wall between Mexico and the United States is completed, we establish a 100-mile long "Obstacle Course to Freedom" corridor in the desert, ensuring that only the fittest, most able-bodied immigrants make it into our nation. A fleet of courtesy trams (like those at Universal Studios) will return to Mexico those who don't quite measure up. For illegal aliens already here, we make each one into an undercover INS agent. For every fellow illegal turned in, the agent will earn a $10 card for the GAP and a point toward U.S. citizenship. Eventually the most industrious people end up with both U.S. citizenship and a great assortment of the season's smartest GAP outfits.

Death Penalty
Instead of endless appeals that cost taxpayers millions each year, we suggest a better way: life without parole on a treadmill. Take those guilty of the most heinous crimes and make them generate power for their state's electrical grid by walking 10 hours a day on a specially modified treadmill.
Their lives become an endless march that brightens and illuminates our world. Talk about a win-win situation.

Gay Marriage
Yes. Because everyone knows sex after marriage is nonexistent. So if you oppose gay marriage, you're actually supporting more gay sex.